It's a date!

Okay, okay, okay, i have to admit it, i've been a right

(hermit) recently and don't think i've enjoyed it 'cause i haven't!

I want to be a social

(butterly) again, before people start forgetting who i am haha! :P

So, this is an open invitation to all of my friends, lets make plans over the summer yeah? Make it one to remember, for all the right reasons :)



Peace.

Alcoholism

"...also known as alcohol dependence and alcohol addiction. It is a brain disease characterized by compulsive seeking and use of alcohol".

- Personally, i think that's what most people disregard concerning alcoholism, the fact that it is NOT simply a case of drinking too much or that the person does it through choice - it is primarily a mental illness.

My dad once told me, to describe alcoholism you have to put your own two hands round your neck, and choke yourself until all you can think about is catching another breath, that, he says, is what it is constantly like for an alcoholic craving alcohol.

I think that is why i still bother, the reason why i am still persistently trying to help her.
Although she has repeatedly thrown it back in my face and turned my world upside down over the past 7 years (and before), i still found myself this morning, trying to track her down to see if she's okay.

The hardest thing is trying not to be bitter; trying not to scream at her for how much she's broken my heart; ask her why it is so hard to stay sober long enough to phone me, to let me know she's alive for Christ's sake. Alas, i am somewhat controlled in biting my tongue, trying to be supportive yet firm, as her mental deterioration means it is similar to trying to get a child to put down their toys and eat their dinner, hissy fit included.

How can you convince someone its the right thing to do when they have convinced themselves its not?

How can i show her how much she's throwing her life away when she's living in her own warped reality?

How many people will it take to shock her into soberiety?

How many times can i take her letting me down...

You know, it's funny, even the nurse of the phone was like "this is so much for you to deal with at such a young age" and of course, i'm aware of this, but i'm fine, about as fine as i could be. To be fair, i'm struggling financially, but it's nothing i can't deal with myself, with the help of the job center haha.

People also say, you need a mother, she should be looking after you, not the other way round, but anyone who knows me, knows i moved out at 16 and i wouldn't change it, because it gave me the kick up the backside i needed, i was pushed into the real world prematurely and now i have a head start to dealing with it all. Rather sooner than later i say.

I might not have a lush flat, or tons of money to do shit with, but i'm still happy, it certainly makes me appreciate everything, and my cat is definitely better fed than me :p but it's a roof over my head, MY roof, my rules, my own wee accomplishment right? Yeah, it's a shit location, but it beats the hell out of living with an alcoholic.

So come Monday, i'll be heading out to try and get her and take her to the doctors, see what can be done if she's willing to cooperate. Even she wonders why i bother, and i told her on the phone - because there's an invisible tie between us that means i will always love her and need to know she's okay, no matter what she does or who she becomes. But as with everything is life, ties can weaken, and she's a grown woman, there's only so much i can do before it starts affecting my life, and that, is where i draw the line.




Peace.

Post-Exam

last one was today, so technically that means, MY SUMMER HAS BEGUN :D

...just picture me doing some sort of celebratory dance haha! funky chicken perhaps?


So May, what's been going on?
Uuuum, not a great deal, it's officially been "stick your head in a textbook" month, so yeah you get the jist, studying, studying and oh yeah studying!

There's a few things i can remember, liiike when Megan came to stay and we watched Twilight (she's now officially hooked) and made puppy chow (a mixture consisting of shreddies, peanut butter, melted galaxy and icing sugar) .. NOT the greatest munch alive, and singing "IT'S BUSINESS, IT'S BUSINESS TIME" in bed at like half 1 in the morning haha :)

& Every Time I Die @ ABC, that was pretty smashing, Gallows were surprisingly good, they ought to be endorsed by Heinz or something, skinny fucks, but they put on a good show! aaand i got to see Dale so that was even better :D, i miss going to gigs all the time, next gig issss Taking BackSunday i think, who's going? My boyfriend has rekindled my love for Adam Lazarra <3

Alsooo there was Ali's 20th at Classic Grand, and i have to say, 4th time lucky was definitely lucky, i actually enjoyed myself, even got on the dancefloor for some Enter Shikarrriii, the boys had the moves! But due to being ill (aye, AGAIN) was on antibiotics and couldn't drink, garbage i tell ye.

& Charmaine's 21st at Hamilton Accies, got far too sloshed (i blame my boyfriend for buying me drinks all night) and the highlight of my night was ATTEMPTING to jumpstyle to scooter with Caly & Catt and clean out decking it, then going home, spewing bright purple and going up to Luuu's to recooperate, talk shite for hours and get the best roll 'n' sausage ever out the tabac, love that lassie!

Speaking of being ill, been stupidly ill the past few weeks,feeling sick and headaches etc etc, it's only really just gave it a by, haven't felt sick for a few days but i've had to change my diet, pasta and bread that's about it really, i'm WELL treating myself tonight to a takeaway of sorts though! Perhaps a Chinese? orrr A bigga pizza pie?

Aye, so, today, went to opticians 'cause obviously my eyesight may have been the cause of my headaches, and it turns out it is, my left eyes got considerably worse (basically everythings a total blur out of it) and the optician goes "Yeah, eh, i think you need to wear your glasses a lot more, preferably all the time" EH WHIT, no way am i being a full-time specky :(, no offence to full time speckies, i'm just no' intae it, ken yon wiy?



Ehhh, so overview of exams is probably appropriate considering the title of this here blog, first one was average, second one was okay, third was well good and fourth was average, hmm, fingers crossed for passes! :)


"Life asks of you what it thinks you can handle"

I think that's true, i should have more faith in myself and what i'm capable of coping with, i don't give myself enough credit i reckon. i learn a lesson from everything i go through, and i'll keep saying it but every cloud honestly does have a silver lining, somewhere.

Looking forward to having a fully functioning social life again, it was the worst feeling in the world having to cancel to study, having to put things on hold and not spend time with my pally wals, but now i can, so yay, just some more $$$ wouldn't go a miss ya know?

Don't get me wrong, i can't complain about staying in 90% of the time, 'cause a) i did study more and b) i really enjoy spending time with my lovely boyfriend, he's put up with me so much the past couple weeks, my mood swings have been something fucking else and being a depressed-bunny hasn't helped either - note to self, never bottle things up!

but the negatives have been pants too, too much alone time means i think too much means i can't concentrate to study and meant i was really lonely and dug myself into a wee hole, hopefully i'm climb out of it soon, i hate being this low about things and i don't want to pull everyone close to me down with me.


Trying to think of things that are interesting to talk about... hmm... fed up with my hair colour/cut/EVERYTHING, definitely going blonde, i didn't come this far to go dark again, so back to my natural colour.. crikey, it's been a good while since i've been blonde.

Got a couple of ideas for body mods too, back on the idea of dermal anchors on my chest, just two, at either side, where my collarbones SHOULD be haha :p, or a dermal anchor on one of my fingers, thought that'd be cute, and i want my conch done too. it terms of tattoos i'm really liking the idea of caligraphy in white ink somewhere on me, not too noticeable, understated yet elegant oui? and i plan to get some form of symbol on the side of my finger, meaningful but ye canny really see it, sound good?

Constantly wavering on the idea of taking my bridge out, although the opticians assured me it is not and cannot ever give me a squint i'm less keen to part ways with it, i do love it so! A referendum amongst my friends is long over due haha!

Talking about referendum's, who's voting in the EU elections? or whatever it happens to be, such a good politics student i am, NAHT.

Most folk will know 'cause of my parents i've always kinna favoured Conservatives/Green, and we're working class! Never been a big fan of Labour, but then again that's more to do with current issues and student issues than anything else. Moreover, i'm totally pro-union, so fuck SNP, if you support independence you need to look into it a bit more! I got a flyer through about UKIP, i mean come on, do you honestly think its a good idea to cut ties with the EU when our economy is completely down the pan? It's fairly adequate to suggest the UK is independtly capable of regaining a secure economy without European funding. Hmm, i need to look more into this i reckon, just download the Conservative European Manifesto, but it's frying my brain, i've had enough of Politics for the day!

But, once i've made my mind up on who i'm voting for, i shall post a blog about it and tell you why i'm voting for them, who knows, i could end up voting Labour! :P

BUT MAKE SURE YOU GO OUT AND VOTE! Voter turnouts are unecessarily low, pisses me off, if you've got the right to vote and you know a bit about politics then use your vote to help change the country! You can't sit and moan about how shite the economy is, or if you're an old man in a pub, how much you "fucking hate Gordon Brown" - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, then moan, not to me though :P.

Holy shit sticks this have been a long blog.. OOPS!

Can't wait to get back into reading, currently reading 'Nocturnes' by John Connoly, got a good few books lined up for the summer!

So here's my wee list of things to do this summer:

1) sleep
2) get a job (?)
3) DOWNLOAD FESTIVAL BITCHES.
4) modify my body
5) lose weight (swimming, yay)
6) go to the beach more than once!
7) get a tan NATURALLY
8) get my wee flat looking spick and span!
9) see all my loved ones whenever possible :)


Peace.