Alcoholism

"...also known as alcohol dependence and alcohol addiction. It is a brain disease characterized by compulsive seeking and use of alcohol".

- Personally, i think that's what most people disregard concerning alcoholism, the fact that it is NOT simply a case of drinking too much or that the person does it through choice - it is primarily a mental illness.

My dad once told me, to describe alcoholism you have to put your own two hands round your neck, and choke yourself until all you can think about is catching another breath, that, he says, is what it is constantly like for an alcoholic craving alcohol.

I think that is why i still bother, the reason why i am still persistently trying to help her.
Although she has repeatedly thrown it back in my face and turned my world upside down over the past 7 years (and before), i still found myself this morning, trying to track her down to see if she's okay.

The hardest thing is trying not to be bitter; trying not to scream at her for how much she's broken my heart; ask her why it is so hard to stay sober long enough to phone me, to let me know she's alive for Christ's sake. Alas, i am somewhat controlled in biting my tongue, trying to be supportive yet firm, as her mental deterioration means it is similar to trying to get a child to put down their toys and eat their dinner, hissy fit included.

How can you convince someone its the right thing to do when they have convinced themselves its not?

How can i show her how much she's throwing her life away when she's living in her own warped reality?

How many people will it take to shock her into soberiety?

How many times can i take her letting me down...

You know, it's funny, even the nurse of the phone was like "this is so much for you to deal with at such a young age" and of course, i'm aware of this, but i'm fine, about as fine as i could be. To be fair, i'm struggling financially, but it's nothing i can't deal with myself, with the help of the job center haha.

People also say, you need a mother, she should be looking after you, not the other way round, but anyone who knows me, knows i moved out at 16 and i wouldn't change it, because it gave me the kick up the backside i needed, i was pushed into the real world prematurely and now i have a head start to dealing with it all. Rather sooner than later i say.

I might not have a lush flat, or tons of money to do shit with, but i'm still happy, it certainly makes me appreciate everything, and my cat is definitely better fed than me :p but it's a roof over my head, MY roof, my rules, my own wee accomplishment right? Yeah, it's a shit location, but it beats the hell out of living with an alcoholic.

So come Monday, i'll be heading out to try and get her and take her to the doctors, see what can be done if she's willing to cooperate. Even she wonders why i bother, and i told her on the phone - because there's an invisible tie between us that means i will always love her and need to know she's okay, no matter what she does or who she becomes. But as with everything is life, ties can weaken, and she's a grown woman, there's only so much i can do before it starts affecting my life, and that, is where i draw the line.




Peace.